I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
