Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
