sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
