Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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