my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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