How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
