I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
