The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
