Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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