I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
