Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
