dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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