I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
