im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
