we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
