we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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