I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
please don't ironically join a cult
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