Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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