So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
