so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
