if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
