Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
