I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
