my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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