I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
