my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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