be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
