We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
