I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
