Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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