My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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