The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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