Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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