Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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