Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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