Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
