I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
