I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
