My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Actions speak louder than pants.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
