WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
