its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
