Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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