I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
