Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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