I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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