Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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