So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
