eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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