i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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