Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
