well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
