hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
