jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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